More from
THE GRASS IS BROWN ON BOTH SIDES OF THE FENCE

Seven Days in the Mouth of the Lion (part 2)

What I didn’t know, was that the video test of mine had revealed something that the cameraman thought might interest James L Brooks. Apparently when he saw the video, James Brooks said that he wanted to see me, and then when told I had left, ordered that I was to be found and that anyone leaving through the security gates had to be checked. I had shut the gates of MGM. WOW! I didn’t know it at the time of course. But how about that - hardcore Hollywood was now searching for me.

In the meantime, the blissfully unaware me is doing some last-minute shopping in the Beverley Centre. I was in menswear buying some Ralph Lauren undies and ran into Murray Newey producer of Death Warmed Up (the horror film I made in Auckland. Murray was the producer). He was in a very up mood and told me that he was thrilled because although this town had kicked him around and brought him to his knees many times, he had now finally cracked it. He had set up a deal that would allow him to make some films back in New Zealand. He gave me his new business card and told me to look him up when in Auckland. I was happy for him because he was so happy for himself.

Back in Auckland about a month later he hung himself. I didn’t find out until a lot later. It was a shock as I remembered how buoyant he had been, and surmised that the reason for his suicide would have been that the deal he was so enthusiastic about had fallen through.

Murray Newey’s death helped band New Zealand film people together. They are now on the alert to look out for each other when the going gets tough. It’s a merciless business and Murray’s death is further proof that Hollywood, the Boulevard of Broken Dreams, does not take Prisoners.

Having a parcel of undies and tee shirts under my arm, my last call was to be the Pizza parlour at the corner of the Beverley Centre, for a three cheese along with their great four-leaf salad. I topped that off with a cold beer before driving back to Michael Rymer’s. He was, when I arrived, standing wide-eyed by the gate. I could tell by the look of him that something had happened. As soon as I was out of the car he wanted to know where I had been. I held up my parcel and told him that I had been buying some crustys and T-shirts. That was all I said before he peppered me with questions. ‘Did I put something on tape?’ ‘Everyone has been trying to find you.’ ‘James L Brooks is waiting to see you’. Then it was my turn with the what’s and why’s. ‘James Brooks is what?’ ‘Are you kidding me!’. Then logic dawned. ‘But I can’t go and see him - I’ve got to pack because I’ve got a plane to catch.’
‘They know that and that’s why they are here to help.’
I follow the direction of Michael’s pointed finger to see two guys, in immaculate smart black suits, standing by an immaculate matching black car.

In my bedroom. I was quite dazed as I pointed to the flotsam and jetsam that needed to be loaded into my bags. They didn’t turn a hair as they carefully but quickly picked up and packed old cowboy boots, tatty film posters and the other accumulated Op Shop junk. I threw my toiletries into a plastic bag while trying to come to terms with what was happening. The only thing I knew for sure, was that this was shaping up to be a good dinner party story for back home.
I can’t remember that my escorts and helpers ever said a solitary thing. My mind was a blur as we sped through the streets in the car. The windows were so tinted that you could hardly see out, let alone in. We arrived at the gates of MGM. The same young guard was there to open the gates that would allow the car access. The driver’s window slid down and the driver handed over a piece of paper. My friend took it, looked at me in the back seat, gave me an excited thumbs-up and said ‘Hey Phenom, you didn’t get away, we found you baby’.
The window slid up and away we went. I was dropped at the door where the toe shoe twirler secretary was waiting - she smiled and also said something like ‘Thought you had got away did you?’ I followed her; one of the escorts followed me carrying my bags. I was taken to another waiting room that was a lot more comfortable than the earlier one, although it was the same configuration. I was given a bottle of mineral water and then the secretary went to answer a phone call at what I gathered to be her second desk. Then the smart young man who had run the test earlier, came into the room and welcomed me back, and said that James would see me in a minute as he was just finishing a session with a yoga teacher. I immediately thought ‘Oh good James is mad too.’ As he left the room he smiled at me and said ‘you should be feeling pretty good about this.’ The words helped a little. I didn’t know what was happening or why, but I took solace in the fact that the dinner party story for back home was proceeding nicely.

About five minutes and a lot of deep breathing later I was on the move again, following the secretary through a maze of different rooms and corridors, until we walked along the side of some metal scaffolding, which leads out to a carpeted floor space. I looked up into tiered scaffold seating. There were about 8 or 9 men sitting comfortably in chairs or lounging on settees that were obviously territorially theirs and theirs alone. My eyes were drawn to the one in the middle whose chair resembled a throne. There was James L Brooks. I recognised him instantly from watching the Oscar’s where he always seemed to be the recipient of at least two

He welcomed me and asked me what I was doing in Hollywood. I told him that I had a film screening at the film market and that I usually took advantage of that to have an excuse to spend a couple of weeks here. He asked me what sort of parts did I play. I said hard-nosed cops or hard-nosed criminals, the only difference in them being that I was either firing my gun straight ahead or back over my shoulder. This got a bit of a laugh. So, I continued on to say that if I wasn’t doing that, I could be found in smart Italian suits giving women a bad time. Another laugh. Being, I felt, on a bit of a roll I added that I had a lot of stage experience where I had played all sorts of roles. James then left his seat and came down onto the carpeted area, and asked me if I would like to do something for them now. I asked what and he said the stuff that I had done on camera earlier. I told him I didn’t know the lines. He said that was ok and I could have the script in my hand, and that the secretary would read opposite me. So away we went with me launching into the paragraph that I assumed had led me here. ‘Look I may be accused of having a fantastic ego here. But I think (and as I was close to the woman’s face I threw in a burp and thumped my chest before continuing on with) that the chemical reaction between us is going to be too tough for you to resist.’ This was met with laughter by the whole contingent present in the room, including James. He then came closer to me and suggested that in the next run, to get closer to the clever with shoes secretary who was reading opposite me. Then I noticed that James was just staring at me. After a beat, he said that I wasn’t listening to him. He was right. I wasn’t. The reason. James was standing in front of me, and the reason I had been distracted was on the wall behind him. It was a large photo and in that photo, he was holding an Oscar in each hand along with Shirley MacLaine and Jack Nicholson, who were also brandishing theirs.

I apologised saying that my attention had indeed been diverted, but that I was now back, and moved my head closer to the secretary’s, and started into the dialogue again. And again, James said get closer. So, I moved my head closer and started again. And again, James said closer. Every time I started again James would say closer and I was now wishing I’d gargled before coming here. I started again, James said even closer. Then he said, ‘Lick her face.’ So I moved even closer to her. James again said, ‘Lick her face.’ I moved even closer and put my tongue out, but still didn’t actually lick her. I could tell from the secretary’s face that she was dreading that I was going to. Then I heard a voice from one of the other men in the scaffold seats. ‘Gary, James said to lick her face. So, lick her face.’
I backed off and said to James that I couldn’t do that, as I had this woman’s sensitivities to consider. Everyone broke up laughing at this and James said, ‘Ok. Ok. Enough.’ Then he spun around to the secretary and said that he wanted to see me on Monday, and to clear a space in his schedule. I interrupted by saying that I couldn’t do that as I was flying out tonight and had to be on a film set on Monday. I was at the time working spasmodically on a TV series about the Snowy Mountain River Scheme.
James asked if the commitment could be changed. I replied I didn’t think that could be done. He asked me if I was sure. And I said, well I could ring my agent I suppose. He told me that they had phones and that he would see me on Monday. He then left, followed by the other men from the scaffold seats - I found out later that they were the writers of The Simpson’s.

The secretary asked me for my agent’s number and my flight details. I gave her the information and she told me to wait. I did and as I was the only one left in the room I lay down on one of the settees, and tried to come to terms with what was happening.
I actually managed to doze a little.
I then heard the secretary’s shoes arriving back.
What she had arranged and how she did I don’t know. But I was now clear to stay over, as my filming schedule and flight back had been changed, meaning that I didn’t have to be back on the Snowy set until Wednesday. I was then whisked, bags and all, back into the black car, with a brief stop at the gate where my friend gave me the thumbs up and said ‘you’re looking good Phenom.’

Next thing I can remember is that I’m sitting on the end of a bed in a luxurious suite at Century City Marriott Hotel. I had read the script of Phenom, which didn’t impress me, but considering its pedigree I figured they knew something that I didn’t. Having been in LA for two weeks, my brain was already fried and what had happened today had moved me beyond this visit’s use-by date.

Click or touch here to continue this chapter

 

 

This is a private page, so to go to the website click here.