More from
THE GRASS IS BROWN ON BOTH SIDES OF THE FENCE

“Body Business” PBL Productions part 2

The next dinner engagement at Jane’s place would be for eighty plus. My relief was palpable when I found out it was to be a catered affair. Dignitaries were flown in from interstate. I too was invited and flown up from Melbourne - I was now working in Melbourne on Bookie Robbery on the days that I was not wanted on Body Business. On the flight to Sydney I saw Hector Crawford and his wife Glenda Raymond seated up front. I gathered correctly that they too were heading for Point Piper. The only actors invited were from the cast of Body Business. Invited isn’t really the word. Summoned is more apt. So along with Jane Menelaus, Gary Sweet and Carmen Duncan and the ever-present casting chief Maura Fay, we arrived early as asked. We were seated towards the back of the room and this allowed me to see the other guests arrive. Head Honcho Jane greeted them as they entered and an exchange of pleasantries saw them passed on to smartly dressed waiters, who then escorted them to their allotted seats. Those of the guests I did recognise were the hierarchy of the Australian television and film industry. Those I didn’t recognise I assumed were more of the same. There was one meeting at the doorway that jarred. David Williamson, now Australia’s most successful writer, arrived with his wife Kristin. Jane welcomed them and they exchanged a few words. But David’s and Kristin’s smiles were rapidly erased by whatever Jane was saying in reply. Then David turned and, taking Kristin with him, left. What had Jane said to David for him to take such umbrage? By then Jane had moved on to the next arriving guest as if nothing had happened. As the others seated at my table were intent on small talk, I think I was the only one who had observed the Williamson’s angry exit.

The wine flowed and the food turned out to be excellent – no tomato paste for this lot. The only question that was hanging in the air was the reason behind this elaborate occasion. Then the volume of the guest’s babble slowly decreased, until the only noise in the entire room was that of Jane Deknatel softly tapping a silver fork on the side of a delicate stemmed wine glass. Another clever move from Jane’s box of tricks had just became apparent. Initially no-one would have heard the fork tapping on the glass. No one except those in Jane’s immediate proximity. They of course had given Jane their silent attention. The next ring of guests closest to Jane’s proximity would have noticed this silence. Then like the ripple from a pebble dropped into the centre of a pond, the increasing circle of silence had slowly swept the entire room until all that could be heard was the fork tapping ever so gently on Jane’s wine glass. This sound too faded away as the wave of silence reached the room’s perimeters. Having sucked all the oxygen out of the room, Jane put down the fork and glass and without raising her voice one iota welcomed us and thanked us all for coming. She then plucked out a few names that she felt deserved a special mention for their attendance.

One of these being Hector Crawford.
Jane then told us about her first business meeting with Hector. Obviously it had taken place at an earlier time when Jane didn’t have her now considerable clout.
According to Jane, Hector had apparently told her that he didn’t like to do business with women, only men.
I gather that Jane had not seen Hector since, and that she had arranged a dinner for eighty guests in order to get her own back, because she now looked Hector straight in the eye and ever so politely said that she, unlike Hector, liked to do business with both males and females and because of that, Hector should feel free to approach her should he ever feel the need.

Jane then sat down as if apologising for the interruption and continued her rapport with her immediate guests.
The reason for the occasion was now obvious.
It was to dump on Hector. But her speech was such that the people now had to take time to fathom its meaning.
Except Hector, who I could see on the next table.
He said nothing but his blood pressure had soared.
The reaction of the guests. Some didn’t know what to make of it. Others who did understand pretended not to. While others simply didn’t care, and went back to the festivities as if nothing had happened.

How much money had the evening cost to allow Jane Deknatel to give Hector Crawford the finger in front of eighty guests??

I felt sorry for Hector - no one wanted to look his way for fear of embarrassing him.

Fortified by yet another glass of wine, I moved over to his table. I could tell he was insulted by the proceedings and I tried to shift the subject. As I had not seen him since my Homicide days, I took the opportunity to thank him for the patience that he had shown towards me when I had repeatedly behaved like an idiot. I now knew, with hindsight, that other production houses would not have stood for some of my shenanigans and would have given me the flick.

He took it on board but as he was still dealing with what Jane had said earlier, he shifted the conversation to something as mundane as how was I liking Sydney. After a few awkward comments, I wished him well and retreated back to my seat. Then Colin Eggleston, former long term Crawford trained employee and the director of the current Body Business, went over to Hector. This was a good move by Colin as they would have had more to talk about. Later as some guests had started to leave I looked over to Hector’s table. He and his wife had gone. The party went on, the wine flowed and soon the earlier compassion I had felt for Hector dissipated.

Later in the evening it was off to a nightclub. This time the number of guests that had to be ferried saw the street lined with stretch limousines. This meant that there would be some walking required as the limousines proved to be too long to negotiate the narrow streets that led to this night’s allotted nightclub.
Apart from fulfilling a favour asked by Gary Sweet to tear away at his silk shirt so he could show off his freshly exercised pectorals, the rest of the night is a blur.

Jane Menelaus decided to hold a Sunday afternoon party for the Body Business cast and crew. They came from far and wide and crowded into her apartment. A great party that went on until all hours and it was a ripper as everyone was lit to the tits on their drug of choice. On set the next day Jane asked me if I thought her party had been successful. I told her that when a kangaroo has pissed in your bed on the 14th floor of a central city apartment block, you have certainly had yourself a party. Someone had actually put a kangaroo in Jane’s bed and after putting a pillow under its head and tucking it in, turned out the light so it could have a wee sleep.

The final showdown in the Body Business saga took place on the top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Brian the crooked cop played by Gary Sweet, and Nick the smiling cobra played by yours truly, have a fist fight because Nick has interrupted Brian from shooting, with his telescopic rifle, the models wearing his new seasons outfits that are on parade in an extravaganza down on the Opera House forecourt.

Of course, Gary and I aren’t actually on the top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Stuntmen did that. For the close ups and the fight, we were in a studio where a replica of the bridge top had been made out of wood. It sounds like it’s made of wood in the finished product as well. The other thing that didn’t help to suspend one’s belief was that as there was not a breath of wind in the studio, there was not a breath of wind way up on top of the Harbour Bridge either. In the fight the rotter Brian has managed to push Nick over the side of the bridge where he hangs on by his fingertips.

This is a big ask for Nick. Ten minutes earlier he had copped a bullet fired from Doug Parkinson’s magnum.

Although this had slowed Nick down a tad, he had still managed to dispense with Doug the villain and be in time to save a little boy from a flaming alter at the very moment he was about to be beheaded by Patsy Ann Noble’s nasty witch.

Wounded and tired and now holding onto the edge of the bridge by his fingertips, means that he is not in the best shape to listen to all the hidden agendas that Brian is now prepared to disclose. But it has to be done in order for the viewers to try and make some sense out of all the far-flung tripe that they have witnessed over the last two nights. It’s a long speech and Nick’s fingertips are feeling the strain. Brian, who has now applied about half the band aids that are needed to hold the script together, feels the need to take a break from the tedium of the talking, by pushing Nick’s right hand’s fingertips off the edge of the bridge. As if Nick doesn’t have enough on his plate, he is now down to half his fingertips with still half of Brian’s speech to go. These fingertips have just gone into the record books as it leaves all the other ‘hanging by your fingertips’ scenes in its wake. These are without a doubt the strongest fingertips ever in the history of film. Can they hold on until Brian has finished repairing all the remaining plot holes in the script? They have to. So they do. When Brian finally finishes talking, Nick somehow finds the strength, with his free dangling arm to reach up, grab Brian’s tie and then pull him off the top of the bridge and out into space.

We then cut to Brian as he plummets from the top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge towards the water far below. Poor Brian screams as he falls and he reveals yet another hidden agenda. He has no bones in his arms. This has become apparent by the way they flap on his descent.

But there is more.

Click or touch here to continue this Chapter

 

 

This is a private page, so to go to the website click here.